I recently met with a woman who has been involved with someone a long time, but is frustrated at how the relationship is going. Her answer is to walk away. Her partner really needs her support right now, but she does not feel she can give any more than she already has; putting in her energy and waiting for him to give her what she needs and her needs just not being met. I can understand where she is coming from, however, after being in private practice for 18 years and on my own personal path of healing for over 25, and now finally in the relationship of my dreams, I can say without a doubt, that great relationships don’t just happen. As they say, “it takes two to tango”, and it also takes one powerful person in the relationship to be the leader in directing how the relationship is going to go.
Be The Leader in Your Relationship
I suggested to her to be the Dominant partner in this situation and to “be a stand for her man”, which takes commitment, willingness, bold communication, and even not taking No for an answer. Which means putting an assertive twist on requesting that her partner take some personal growth development, or go on his own journey of healing to help him look at himself and go deeper within, and finally start to process his feelings with her. I suggested perhaps therapy of his own, or some transformational program to help him look at himself, his past and to get complete with that. I expressed to her that he just doesn’t have the tools right now to give her what she needs, and that he needs her leadership to bring them out, being a demand, or command in following up with these requests.
I understand that she too may not have the skills yet to be the Leader or Dominant to make these requests, and hold steady to them. We can ask someone to do something we feel is good for them, but until we are a real stand for them, and command that they go on a path of transformation, they’ll just hear your words as mere whispers and not take you seriously.
Before my relationship became amazing, and before my relationship was the one of my dreams, I was simply single, or I acted as such. When I met the man I chose to go deep in love with, this time, I decided I wasn’t going to be a wimp about asking for what I wanted. And the only reason my man is as amazing as he is today is because I didn’t take No for an answer. If he was going to be with me, he was going to take this course, and the next and so on. I had to enroll him to see why taking something was good for him, and Coach him through the process, while he was kicking and screaming and whining and complaining, I did NOT let down. He was going to stick with it until he got the breakthrough and transformation he was looking for. And he did just that, and then he went on to do further transformation programs, and then on to do Advanced Communication Courses, and since has gone on to do a year long Leadership Program in Communication. There was no stopping after that. Now he is about to graduate from the year long program and the two of us will be moving into Stage 2 of the Leadership Program and have since started a Healing practice here, have opened up our home as a Healing Center, been writing a book for Couples together, and the list goes on from there. But it had to start with someone being that stand. It started with me, and now he has followed in my footsteps.
For those of you out there that think amazing relationships should just happen, and the sensual fun and loving part of relationships should just last and never go away, think again. It doesn’t work that way; especially for those of us who have had a past, a challenging childhood, or have experienced a loss of some form, or have felt at some point in their lives lonely. Most of us have had something from our pasts. No one has had a perfect childhood, or had both perfect parents, and had been raised by angels and had angels as friends only their whole lives. We’ve each been affected in some way by some thing or some one. So we all have our inner work to do, and wholeness doesn’t come from doing nothing. The same is true with partnerships. We all have to do our inner workings for our love to shine, and for the partnership to become one.
And each time a new trigger comes or a new experience of upset or separation, that is where the lessons are to look at yourself, your own shadow, your own ego, your own fears, and the part of yourself you most of the time are running away from. What you wish to run away from is the very thing you should be running towards. Because that is when you will finally have freedom from it. You will then love yourself more than ever, and your partner too. You’ll stop blaming that person over there for all your problems, and see it has been you all along.