What Relationship Expansion Taught Me About Love, Desire, and Nervous System Safety
- Asttarte Deva
- Dec 17, 2025
- 3 min read
Updated: Dec 17, 2025
What Relationship Expansion Taught Me About Attachment, Nervous System Healing, and Love Beyond Control
For a long time, I didn’t write publicly about my personal relationship journey—not because it wasn’t important, but because it was actively unfolding.
Over the past year, my life has taken me across the country and deep into my own attachment patterns, nervous system responses, and capacity for love. What I learned wasn’t theoretical. It was lived—sometimes gently, sometimes through rupture, and often through profound healing.
This is a reflection on what relationship expansion taught me—not as an idealized path, but as a real one.
Traveling for Love & the Illusion of Stability
I traveled to Spokane, Washington to be with the man I love, believing we were building a life together there. We traveled back East together, explored living arrangements, and attempted to weave our lives across multiple locations—Wilmington, Northern Liberties, South Philly, and Manayunk.
What became clear very quickly was this:
Love alone does not regulate the nervous system.
Without grounding, safety, and consistent relational care, even deep love can feel destabilizing.
As we navigated shared space, distance, and differing needs for closeness and autonomy, my own attachment wounds surfaced with intensity. Old fears of abandonment arose—not intellectually, but somatically. My body responded before my mind could keep up.
When the Nervous System Takes the Wheel
At one point, feeling unanchored, displaced, and emotionally overwhelmed, my nervous system entered survival mode. That dysregulation culminated in a serious car accident—a moment that forced everything to stop.
What followed was unexpected: my partner opened his heart in a new way. He offered presence, care, and consistency when I was physically and emotionally vulnerable. For several weeks, we slowed down, co-regulated, and began to understand something essential:
Relationship healing is not about agreement—it’s about regulation.
Expansion, Rupture, and Repair
As healing progressed, we faced another layer: openness. Potential new lovers entered the field. Old agreements were questioned. New desires surfaced.
And again, my nervous system spoke loudly.
Another rupture followed—one that led me to make a conscious decision to step back entirely for my own safety and grounding. Not as punishment. Not as control. But as self-preservation.
What we discovered through that space was critical:
We needed regular nervous system care, not just emotional processing
Expansion requires secure anchoring, not pressure
Love cannot be forced into freedom before the body is ready
Eventually, we chose to come back together—more slowly, more intentionally, and with greater respect for our limits.
From Control to Choice
I have lived many years in non-monogamous and polyamorous frameworks. I have also lived eight years in monogamy. I now understand both not as identities—but as strategies shaped by the nervous system, history, and circumstance.
What many people call “control” is often unhealed fear or unmet needs.What many people call “freedom” can sometimes be avoidance of intimacy.
True relational sovereignty lives somewhere in between.
Through somatic awareness, honest communication, and intentional pacing, we began shifting from fear-based reactions to choice-based connection.
Why I’m Sharing This Now
I’m currently completing a Certification in Somatic Psychedelic Facilitation, and this lived experience has deeply informed how I understand intimacy, desire, and emotional regulation.
In my work, I support people who are:
Single and longing for connection
Partnered yet lonely or sexually unfulfilled
Married or long-term partnered and navigating desire differences
Wanting more aliveness, honesty, and freedom in relationship
Seeking grounded ways to work with emotions, stress, and relational patterns
Healing doesn’t come from forcing a relationship structure. It comes from listening to the body, honoring desire, and slowing down enough to choose consciously.
The Path Forward
I don’t believe there is one “right” way to love.I believe there is a regulated way.
A way that honors:
Somatic awareness
Nervous system care
Trauma-informed pacing
Honest desire
Conscious choice
This journey is still unfolding. Some stories are meant for books, not blog posts—and this one is.
But what I know for sure is this:
Love expands safely only when the body feels safe first.
If you are navigating intimacy, desire, or relationship change and want grounded, body-based, trauma-informed support, I’m here.
—Asttarte Deva
Somatic Healing • Tantra & Breathwork Teacher • Psychedelic Integration
Quotes by Asttarte from this article -
“Love alone does not regulate the nervous system.”
“Relationship healing is not about agreement — it’s about regulation.”
“Love cannot be forced into freedom before the body is ready.”
“What many people call control is often unhealed fear or unmet needs.”
“Love expands safely only when the body feels safe first.”