Breakthrough to Bliss
After returning home from Los Angeles, being on the Team Management and Leadership Program for one full year and living that whole year in a way of suffering, the suffering finally has come to an end. Since childhood, suffering was all I knew. Being the victim, and follower, and doing what I was told, following orders, and being sure to do everything right and perfect so as not to get in trouble, or be reprimanded or deduced to torture, blame and rejection.
After a yearlong of blaming my dear beloved for keeping me up at night, not being able to sleep night after night after night, and spending days after days after days catching up on sleep, with the inability to work consistently and reliably, never knowing when my sleep and mind would be rested enough to be counted on, to be able to be of service in working, answering phone calls, making phone calls, being there for others, and in particular being on many scheduled weekly, and sometimes daily calls. Having my client practice as I had prior to this program, and prior to my deep full time primary live in committed hard core attached and first time serious monogamous relationship of my entire lifetime, was a thing of the past.
Being there for others as a consistent Practitioner (Leader, Mentor, consistent Writer, Singer, Dancer, Healer, Lover, Friend, colleague, sister, Daughter, and sometimes even mother) as I had before, was something I couldn’t live into. I clearly was delving into some very deep shadow work that had been a very long time waiting. How Lucky was I, that I had 20 years Plus + behind my belt of background of being all of these very things!!! When I met my Soulmate, my best friend, and Dream man, I was able to teach him, Coach him, and Train him how to be the MOST Amazing Healer, Practitioner, Tantric Lover, Reiki Healer, Tantric Healer ALL Women on the planet would only dream to have by their side! And, I had him, right next to me all along!!!
I first had to go through the grieving process, and dark anger at stopping my Tantric, almost Surrogate style of Sex Coaching and Intimacy Healing I had been trained extensively to be and do for nearly 15 years. Living alone, and surviving was all I knew. My rates were well enough for having done the work I did, and I could live off of not working a whole lot and still pay the bills. I could take the time in between sessions, and cleanse my energy, purifying the darkness of others I had taken on.
However, when I stopped cold turkey working with clients in these darker energies of tantra and sexuality, blame of my partner for stopping was all I knew. However, he wanted me to only work with others being a pure vessel and not having any hidden fears, angers, traumas, anxieties or sadness to be within. He wanted me to truly know myself and trust myself that I would work with others who truly wanted to heal; not manipulate me for their gratification, satisfaction, or lying and sneaking to see me when they had a wife or partnership. It was unacceptable to him that they were not being honest with in that relationship; when they were only coming to me for their own ego, esteem or pride and not honoring their marriage or being authentic and have full integrity in their relationship. This was something also important to me, but I sometimes worked with those who did not have integrity, and in doing so, my integrity was out also.
He was a stand that I heal all the shadow parts of myself in order to be an authentic Healer when working with others. And, I wanted him with every fiber of my being and trusted him that he was right in doing this. As scary as it was to entrust my life and survival on him, I did so. I honored his request, and I knew in the end, I would have my dream man, and I would finally have Healed all my scars of my past, all my rapes, all my traumas, all the insanity of my family, the pain of feeling as though I was an orphan my entire life, and not having the love from my mother or father I always wanted.
I knew, in order to forgive them fully and 100 percent, I had to accept my Beloveds offers of Healing, and take on this journey of discovery, of my own Dark Shadow, and be confronted on all levels with my Team, to be on time, be committed, have integrity, be reliable, be accountable, be consistent, be a contribution, be my possibility, be able to Coach others where they needed to have support in their own lives, and continue to come back to this again and again while I was still working on my Shadow self, not sleeping consistently for over a year and ½, and get to the core of what was causing all the imbalances, and shadows to continue rising to the surface.
Well my Readers, and loves, and Beloveds, and friends, and colleagues and clients, I finally came to the discovery and breakthrough to complete this process and cycle of suffering! Now, very few who have lived through the depths of darkness I lived through would be able to come to the other side, however, I am like Kali Ma, the Great Destroyer of Darkness. I have been called this many times over and over and over again. My shadow Karma in my soul vibration is Kali Ma. She is the Goddess Dakini. She is my teacher and she is me!
Having been a Tantra Dakini, Sacred Sexual Healer and Sex and Intimacy Coach for over a decade, I had thought learning that women having the capacity to have female ejaculations was the way to go every time she orgasmed. After an evening alone with my Beloved, in a tiny Studio we stayed in Venice, when my Team I loved rejected me in joining them, I got the greatest gift.
My Beloved and I were alone, and he spent the entire evening listening to me, my needs, my wants, my passions, my joys, and desires of singing, dancing, art, and feminine topics of interest that were of true interest and importance to me and being able to have my voice heard, accepted and honored in my full self-expression. I had spent the year listening to him, his interests in sports, business, money, finances, and his topics of interest, sitting back in silence, not feeling heard, suppressing what was important to me, suppressing my joys in sharing positive teachings, spiritual teachings, poetry, creative joys and wisdom I had wanted to share with him, and anyone we were with when we were together. When he finally got that I had closed off what mattered to me in order for him to feel loved, important and accepted, he surrendered and was willing to listen.
When we arrived home from our flight from California, something clicked. I saw where my blaming him for not sleeping or any form of blame was from my past, where my mom blamed me for nearly anything, and it was not accurate in him being at fault, and I took a look within. I saw that it was a distraction, blaming him. I did my simple EFT tapping technique on blame and released looking outside for others to be at fault and took responsibility that it was I who was responsible. In doing so, I saw that I had never fully felt the connection to him because I had consistently released my female ejaculate every time, we made love. His dedication in washing our towels and sheets and such, gave us the time and space to realize this way of making love for women, has the same impact on the relationship as does when a man releases his seed every time, he makes love.
I have been an advocate for teaching men to hold their seed so that the love making between he and his woman is extraordinary. However, seeing this now, a woman too also needs to hold her ejaculate within. I saw that when she releases it fully, all liquid from her body, and water gushing on the bed, as many talk about this being such a beautiful thing, filling buckets, and having plastic protectors on the bed and sheets completely filled is a beauty and joy. And it is! However, what is not discussed out there in the public is when she does this every time, she is also releasing her capacity to feel her full kundalini flow inside her body and her emotions too are releasing outside of her, instead of her having the ability to feel her full capacity of emotions within.
I discovered that when I held my ejaculate, I finally screamed during love making; my throat finally opening. I finally felt the full body internal orgasm again, that I had not felt since learning of this ejaculation technique over a dozen years ago and had been doing it consistently with every orgasm all this time. Ejaculating on occasion is delicious and a good thing, however, I see now, it must be held within more than released without. As the water releases from a female’s body in her ejaculation, so too is her emotions released, where she cannot tap into them. She becomes then emotionless, as I had; feeling no feeling, no emotions, and not knowing why! It literally numbed my feelings, and as I held in the ejaculate, I finally felt a deep feeling of joy, of love for my beloved, and tears of internal ecstasy arrived.
After, when he shared something personal, he had cried over, because his heart is so utterly open, I finally had the compulsion to jump over to him and hold him in his tears. This never would have happened if I continued to release my liquid, my amrita, as I had every time. And, this was a breakthrough, and revelation of our love, of my body and learning the capacity of what’s possible. He could finally experience that I do truly love him, and I learned that my lack of ability in sleeping at all in the house when he was home anywhere in the house was because I didn’t connect to my emotions, and body and fullness of love with him. I learned how much I deeply wanted him, and because I was not allowing myself to have an orgasm with him that created a connection, I felt SO disconnected and created the torture and feeling of abandonment I was so used to and accustomed to living in suffering as I had as a child.
This discovery changes everything! I finally have my Beloved, and he finally has me. And, I finally have my sleep, and he finally has peace of knowing he did nothing wrong, and there is actually nothing wrong with me. I just wanted him so profoundly I couldn’t sleep. What a simple solution! It was sitting right in front of me all along. I was numb to it because I was too close to it. As they say, when you are an expert of something, but the blind spot is about yourself, you can’t see it because it’s too close. Well, after a year of torturing my poor beloved, and everyone I love that’s around me, I could finally end the torture to myself, and be deeply happy, at peace, filled with bliss and ecstasy and feel my true love for myself within, and my love for my Beloved and everyone around me!